MASTURBATION IS FOR THE SMART

vicos, walter, david
In 1992, a study known as The National Health and Social Life Survey revealed that masturbation is more common among people with university degrees and higher levels of education. This study found that, in general, people with higher education not only masturbated more but also had a more open attitude toward the subject. This suggests that, in some cases, education may be linked to greater acceptance of sexuality and personal sexual well-being.

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Coffee and sex. That’s how we start the day at ALRNCN.

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THE FILLER FAP

javi, sosuke, walter, david
The "filler fap" is that moment when, without any real urge or physical need, you just masturbate because there’s nothing better to do. It’s not about desire, it’s not about intense arousal—it’s just a way to kill time, like mindlessly scrolling through social media or flipping through TV channels without finding anything interesting.

It’s an easy, instant, and accessible way to fill the void. It’s not that your body is asking for it—it’s just that your brain is looking for something to do, and well… there it is.



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Me: GOD! Finally, life is smiling at me!
Life:

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MASTURBATING IS FOR HOTTIES VOL316

How's your week been? All good or what? I really hope so. Actually, scratch that—I want it to be. I want things to have gone well for you, and if stopping by ALRNCN these past few days helped you disconnect from all the nonsense and bad vibes, even just a little, then mission accomplished.

Bad vibes are inevitable—they’re part of the game. But that’s the thing: you learn from them. You can’t always avoid them, but you can decide how to handle them. So don’t give them more space than they deserve—focus on what makes you happy and keeps you motivated.

It's Friday, and the weekend is right around the corner. Let’s power through and take a breather—we’ve earned it.

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Opening a bottle with a drone.

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ORGASMS WITHOUT EJACULATION

javi, david, walter
Tibetan tantric monks have mastered the art of achieving orgasms without ejaculation through advanced techniques of muscle control, breathing, and meditation. Instead of letting the body act automatically, they learn to contract the pelvic floor muscles at the precise moment, preventing semen from being expelled. They believe that by doing so, they preserve their "vital energy" and redirect it within the body, supposedly gaining longevity and mental clarity. In some cases, the semen doesn’t just disappear—it’s either reabsorbed or redirected to the bladder to be expelled later with urine.

A perfect trick for that late-night session when you forgot to grab tissues.



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Red Devil.

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EAT, SLEEP, SHOWER AND MASTURBATE

oscar, david
Hygiene is essential, just like masturbation, so jerking off in the shower is like taking a nap after lunch—a timeless act of self-care. I’m pretty sure I read this in an ancient Chinese proverb, or at least I like to think so. And honestly, if the Chinese have spent millennia perfecting gunpowder, silk, and philosophy, they probably know a thing or two about life’s simple pleasures. Take their advice.



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CHOOSE YOUR ROUTINE

david
They say drinking lemon water on an empty stomach every morning is great for your body and helps prevent various illnesses. Others swear that starting the day with a spoonful of olive oil is the key to rock-solid health. And then there are those who claim that a glass of water with baking soda will alkalize you and leave your body feeling brand new.

But if all that sounds too complicated or you just can’t be bothered, don’t worry: a good wank first thing in the morning works just as well. No weird juices, no spoonfuls of oil, no baking soda. Just you, your hand, or your favorite toy, and the satisfaction of starting the day with energy.



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HOW MUCH TIME DO WE SPEND IN THE BATHROOM?

smm, walter, david
Have you ever stopped to think about how much of your life you spend in the bathroom? The number isn’t small. On average, we spend between 30 and 60 minutes a day in there. If you add that up over the years, that means we spend between 2 and 3 years of our lives locked in this small temple of peace and reflection.

But that number can skyrocket if you're the type to bring your phone along or if you’re just looking for a little extra privacy.



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Working those glutes.

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